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I feel my wife neglects me now that we have a child.
Question: My wife used to take care of me (fifty percent of the time), but ever since she gave birth to our child, she pays all her attention to the child as if she does not see her husband is also in the house. I do not know how to deal with this situation without making her misunderstand that I may be jealous of my child.
The answer: This case results from a previous emotional void either in her father’s house or in your house. When her child was born, she tried to fill that void by excessive inclination towards him.
To repair the situation:
1. Bring her some books about the rights of the husband and marital relations or some cassettes containing lectures about this subject!
2. Do not resent and do not show her your anger at her action, but you should give her ample opportunity to return to her natural state!
3. Organize some time for both of you to talk and assure her of your love to her!
4. Let her see your love and attention for the child to make her feel that she is not the only one who loves the child!
5. Continue this behavior and do not give up because the fruits will not come to you immediately, especially if her emotional void is deep and old!
6. Send your friends’ wives to her to talk to her about her required legal duties towards her husband, without making her feel that they have come specifically to discuss this matter!
My wife used to be religious but became materialistic, so I tried to force her to correct her behavior and instead things only got worse; what should I do?
Question: My wife used to always attend religious meetings, but now she is interested only in material pleasures. She always insists that we change the furniture or I buy her clothes and other things that are beyond my financial ability. I talk to her about contentment, which I assume she has learnt about in those religious meetings, but she pays no attention. Once, I discussed this problem with a faithful man, and he advised me to prevent her from going to those meetings justifying that these meetings have become, in our present time, meetings of displaying fashions or discussing the matters of this material world. I did, but she became more obstinate and began disputing with me and threatened that she would go out in spite of me. Now, my life is full of problems with this wife. Would you please advise me what to do?
The answer: Acknowledging the miserable reality is the first step in repairing it. What you have mentioned about the meetings that are clothed in religion hurts the heart of every protective believer, and at the head of these protective people are Muhammad (S) and his pure progeny (a.s.).
Really, some meetings not only do not educate our women, but they also destroy the efforts of education made by the sincere people. The Prophet (S) warned us when he said to his successor Imam Ali (a.s.), ‘O Ali, whoever obeys his wife, Allah will throw him into the Fire.’ Imam Ali (a.s.) asked, ‘What obedience?’ The Prophet (S) said, ‘He permits her to go to meetings, weddings, meetings of weepers, and to put on transparent clothes.[113]’
The solution I suggest comes through the following points (whether you follow all of them or some of them depends on your discretion in dealing with the problem and its concerns): First, after explaining to her your wife’s state, allow a wise woman to befriend your wife and advise your wife from the wisdom she has received from her Lord.
Second, you can hold religious meetings in your house, if possible, and entrust your wife with some suitable responsibility that will occupy her and allow her to feel her personality. If it is not possible, you can take her to certain meetings after previously arranging with the preacher to choose a suitable subject. For example, let him talk about the saying of the Prophet (S), ‘There are three woman, who Allah frees from the torment of the grave and resurrects with Fatima az-Zahra’ (a.s.); a woman who is patient with the stinginess of her husband, a woman who is patient with the bad morals of her husband, and a woman who gives up her dowry to her husband.’
Third, you should follow calm ways to convince her, because the harms of anger, nervousness, and scolding are greater than their advantages. Perhaps a nice word, a nice gesture, a present, a smile, or a joke would treat many problems in a short amount of time.
Fourth, consider your financial ability and be realistic and sincere to the best of your abilities. If she wants a necessary thing and you are able to buy it for her, do so and do not be stingy for Allah grants kind people His expansive and lawful livelihood.
Fifth, you should try your best to improve your living conditions because remaining in poverty is something that religion does not accept.
Sixth, if these steps are of no use, you have to be patient and bear the problem until Allah determines what is best between you and your wife.
Seventh, if all of these attempts are useless, you would be better off threatening to divorce her, and then you can carry out a revocable divorce, because then you can return to her after she repents of her bad behaviors.
Notes:
[113] Kitab al-Mawa’idh, p.27.
My in-laws are causing marital problems for me and my wife and she struggles to balance her relationship between me and them; how can we solve this problem?
Question: My wife’s relatives interfere in the affairs of my marital life, and so they have made our life full of troubles.As for my wife, she is divided between her relatives and me. Her heart is with me, but her courtesies are with them, and all the while, confusion hovers as a cloud over her head. I do not know how to save her and myself from her curious family!
The answer: You can send some wise people as mediators to persuade your wife’s relatives to stop their interferences, which may destroy the happiness of their daughter if they truly want her happiness. But before all, let us be realistic. Please, think of yourself! Perhaps you practice a wrong behavior that needs to be repaired!
If you are certain about yourself, you should send mediators; otherwise, repair yourself and carry out these steps reasonably and with lenient morals:
1. Explain your opinions to your wife and let her stand with you in this ordeal to avoid any dispute or quarrel with her family!
2. Change your behavior towards her family and be lenient to them. Allah says, (Repel the evil deed with one which is better, then lo! he, between whom and you there was enmity (will become) as though he was a bosom friend)[118].
3. Let you and your wife be busy with building your future, and do not listen to others’ criticism and disputes as long as you understand each other and look forward to the pleasure of Allah.
4. On some occasions, offer your wife’s relatives some presents to gain their love and to clear the old dregs from their hearts.
Notes:
[118] Holy Qur’an, 41:34.
My husband claims ineptitude at matters of home and child-rearing as an excuse for not helping me in any of these matters; how can I change his thinking?
Question: My husband always repeats, ‘I am unable to manage the house and to educate the children. Do whatever you want and do not depend on me!’ This is not right, but I do not know how to correct his thinking.
The answer: It is very odd that the master of the family would declare his inability to manage his house, which he himself has established, or to educate one, two, or three children, whereas we find the heads of companies, foundations, and governments managing, in addition to their families, tens, hundreds, thousands, and millions of people.
What is the reason behind this difference?
The reason lies in the following points, which are absent from an incapable person’s mind and present before the mind of a successful manager:
• First point: methodology
By this we mean recognizing the goals of marriage, procreation, and forming a family, on which basis the master of the family plans for the future of his children – the future, which stems from him first and foremost. Does man, when he invites some guests, not think of the aim of his invitation and then plan how and what foods he will offer appropriate to their ranks and positions? In the same way, concerning his family and children, he should specify aims and then think and plan accordingly to execute them.
• Second point: organizing
It means distributing the domestic duties in such a way that each member of the house knows his duty and also to ensure that the greater part of the duties will not fall on the shoulder of any one person while the others live without offering any help or feeling any responsibility.
The master of the family is the one who divides the household duties amongst the members of his family according to their ages and abilities; for example, one for sweeping, the other for cooking, the third for shopping, and so on. Allah says, (…and help one another in goodness and piety)[125].
• Third point: coordination
Parents must agree on and settle many things between themselves so that each of them knows his duties, such as buying the school supplies of their children for example. If there is no prior arrangement between the parents, the father may buy the supplies and the mother may also buy them at the same time, or neither will buy them, and thus the affairs of the children may become troubled at school.
Coordination, which is a part of organization, prevents the waste of time, abilities, and efforts and the confusion of the family members through different instructions in the house. Have you not seen Allah with your mind and heart through His great organization of the creatures and the coordination among them with the utmost accuracy? If it were not so, all life would be in tumult.
• Fourth point: leadership
The master of the family, and especially the father, should touch the hearts of the members of his family through love to attract them towards his educational instructions, and this is one of the qualities of an understanding leader. It is a stage higher than household management. A successful leader is one who does not make others submit to his will by force, but he instead uses wisdom and prudence to convince them to submit. The leader who uses severity and violence will certainly produce severe, impolite, mutinous, and wicked offspring with weak personalities.
We do not deny the importance of using strictness and firmness in some occasions. A wise leader is aware of those occasions, and he knows how and when he should become strict and firm without making others feel that he has a power over them that may deprive them of their freedom and also without making them feel that responsible supervision is of no importance. Leadership is the art of mixing many items, the most important of which are knowledge, wisdom, tact, and good practice.
• Fifth point: knowledge
The master of the family should know the actual value of these points in correlation to what Islam has legislated in its view towards the universe, life, man, and their legislative and moral concerns.
Finally, this husband should strengthen his morale by relying on Allah the Almighty. The nearest one who can help him in this matter is you, O wife. You can inspire in him the spirit of responsibility. You can encourage and praise him whenever he carries out something. You can tell him that the greatness of the famous personalities in history came about because they did not think of the difficulties in their achievements, but they instead thought of the great achievements they would get.
Notes:
[125] Holy Qur’an, 5:2.
My husband is weak and uninvolved with household affairs; how can I get him to act as a proper head of household?
Question: My husband has a weak and infirm personality. He does not manage the household affairs. He neither enjoins nor does he forbid the children. He pays no attention to their school education. How should I behave towards him in order to make him act according to his suitable position?
The answer: This is the negative side of your husband’s personality, but surely he has some positive qualities too. Try to regard these qualities as well. But as for the negative side:
First, entrust him with some tasks even if he hesitates or refuses to do them!
Second, try to give him self-confidence. For example, you can say to him: I am sure you can do this work.
Third, declare to him that you want him to be with a strong personality, and tell him that this is the wish of your children as well. Tell him that the responsibilities in marital life are common and divided according to Islamic teachings and the human nature!
Fourth, plan with your children to ask their father to interfere in their affairs and to discuss with them different issues. In other words, he should be involved in the family affairs in every way.
Fifth, if he does not change after these steps, you have to adapt yourself to his state and convince yourself that it is a good state, for every person has his own independent personality and private mentality.
Worry obsessively over failing in marriage, so much so that the worry itself could affect my marriage in a bad way; how can I solve my problem?
Question: I married recently, and I suffer from much psychological worry and turmoil, fearing that I may fail in my marriage and become a sad divorcee sitting in a corner of my father’s house like thousands of divorcees. Would you please help me solve my suffering before what I fear takes place though my husband is a good man?
The answer: Dear sister, your problem shows that you lack self-confidence and your fears are not real. They are outcomes of scruple and imagination. Your worrying about your future with your husband may be a sufficient reason for you to fear as you do. To solve your problem, you have to get rid of its cause by following these steps without hesitation:
1. You should think deeply about why you scorn and belittle yourself while you have been created with the divine dignity. Allah has granted you honor and virtue as a highly respected being, so it is unjust for you to do away with your position and value.
2. After discussing the matter with yourself, you will arrive at the critical result that you are precious, and then you will know that a precious one is she who tries her best to remain precious or become more precious. This requires you to offer to your husband whatever good you can offer. This will make you more attractive before your good husband.
3. Seek refuge in Allah from the evil of the sneaking whisperer, who whispers into the hearts of mankind, of the jinn and of mankind!
4. Read some books about the aspects of a successful wife and apply them to yourself, and then do not doubt your ability to continue living with your husband in a happy, joint life with your good offspring!
5. Always take lessons from successful wives, and do not spend your time thinking of sad divorcees!
6. Always, convince yourself that you are happy, successful, strong, and brave!
7. Keep these advices before your eyes throughout your life!
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