How the quarrelsome spouses can solve their problems?
By: Abdul Adheem al-Muhtadi al-Bahrani
Question: We are quarrelsome spouses. We love each other, but we do not know why we quarrel, and over very trivial things too. After that, we sit crying and then come to an agreement with each other. After sometime, we return to another quarrel. Our marital life is ridiculous, is it not? Sometimes I think of divorce, but then I regret and ask Allah to forgive me. I am confused, my wife is confused, and so are our children.
The answer: The most important factor in solving marital problems is for the spouses themselves to be determined to solve their problems. Without their intention and determination, they will not arrive at any solution at all. As for divorce, it is not the first nor is it the second solution, but it is the last of the last of solutions. Statistics have proven that those who hurry towards divorce, even in their new marriages their problems remain with them. You should be certain that unstudied divorce is not a suitable solution; rather, it will be a cause for bigger problems.
The best solution lies in following these instructions:
1. One should be quiet and have calm nerves. This is done by turning to Allah and remembering that man will be afflicted with the wrath of Allah if he submits to his fancy and desires. One should go to religious centers, talk with religious scholars and ethicists, and call to mind the horrible terrors of the afterlife. These things will have a great effect on man in encouraging him to find a suitable solution and carry it out.
2. One should be fair in disagreements. This is an important factor that leads to a solution. Both disagreeing sides have to pay close attention to this moral value that will lead them to the truth.
3. One should have an actual understanding of things; this means that spouses should know that life is not free from problems, disagreements, and differences of taste. Therefore, each one has to ignore the wrong the other side has done to him.
4. Disagreement in itself does not cause problems; rather, it is made by the methods each of the disagreeing sides takes in dealing with the disagreement. Hence, good and reasonable methods should be taken whenever there is a disagreement.
5. Let us learn how to listen to whoever disagrees with us! This principle helps the disagreeing spouses reduce the intensity of their disagreements, and they may, after that, discover that they have disagreed over a trivial thing.
6. Whenever we discover our fault and become certain that the other side is right, we must accept the truth and apologize and then discuss the details little by little.
7. Whatever the disagreement, alienation, and separation, spouses must not give up the joint duties and responsibilities that keep the family sound and safe, especially not those concerning their children. The experiences of quarrelsome spouses, who adhered to their joint responsibilities in spite of their disagreements, have proven that they, after a short time, agreed with each other and picked the sweet fruits of happiness and felicity.
8. Spouses should take sufficient time for thinking, for this helps to solve problems. Each one of the disagreeing spouses should sit privately, reviewing himself to discover his own mistakes and determining to repair his faults.
9. Spouses should not keep problems in mind except when trying to find a solution for it.
10. They should try to limit the problems and not relate these problems to previous ones, because limiting the problems helps to find easy solutions and achieve a happy marital life. Let us always remember that willpower and determination are the keys to these solutions and instructions. And on Allah let the believers rely!
My wife does not visit friends and family because she wants to take presents but they are beyond my means; what do you suggest?
Question: My wife does not visit our relatives or my friends’ wives, because she dislikes visiting them without taking presents with her to give them. Unfortunately, the presents she thinks of are not cheap, and my financial state does not allow me to buy such presents. What would you suggest?
The answer: This kind of thinking results from the influence of worldly cultures, which have prevailed over the life of people and made them forget their religious culture. The worldly life always exhausts people, separates them from each other, and deprives them of their happiness and joy. It was so and is still so, but people still do not take lessons.
Islam has emphasized the necessity of interconnection with relatives and good friends. As for presents, they are recommendable because they deepen the interrelations and bring the hearts closer to each other. However, it is not right to give up necessities and social obligations just for luxuries.
It is not necessary for a present to be materially expensive, because a present has its moral meaning. A brave one, who will get a great reward from Allah, is he who breaks the idol of ignorance resting inside the souls and tries with high confidence to derive a good principle by giving a greater moral value to a present than its material value. A visit with smiles and nice words and some chocolates for the children is much better near Allah than a visit with carrying presents that overburden the backs, exhaust the selves, and empty the pockets! Rather it will have no reward from Allah because the gift was bought just for pride and showing off.
In a word, our society is in terrible need of a moral and cultural revolution to overturn many thoughts, one of which is “either to go with expensive presents or give up interrelations and mutual visits completely.”